Solitude

You hear a lot about how much stay-at-home moms miss the adult interaction of the workplace. I don't. Or very rarely, anyway. Mostly what I miss is solitude.

My last job before I became a mama was very close to the perfect job for me. I had a cubicle. Two computers. A phone (could have happily done without the phone). A window with a pleasant view. In a given week I interacted with lots of folks. I was in meetings, went to lunch with my fellow analysts, met with project managers and various other people.

But, it was very common for me to have days where I would come in, sit down in my cubicle, and not speak to another soul for eight hours. Those were ususally days when I was completely immersed in solving some tricky problem. Too immersed to wander over to the break room for a soda and a chat. That uninterrupted focus just isn't possible these days. Hell, I'm lucky if I can remember why I am walking across the room. I'm certain that every other parent on the planet understands what I mean.

Yesterday I was missing my solitude more than usual. It made me want to draw into my own head and away from Katie and Tom. When that happens they feel it and respond by fighting with each other, making more noise than usual, and generally getting into more trouble than usual. Basically they try anything to get my focus back on them. At the same time, spending the day all up in my own head left me feeling adrift, disconnected from the world around me, and especially from my family. I don't like that feeling.

Today I plugged back in. I made an effort to be more present, more in tune. It was a pretty good day. I was happier. The kids were happier. It seems to be a lesson I need to learn over and over.

I do miss my solitude. Not so much that I would trade what I have, though. And, I suppose I shall have solitude again one day. When the kids are grown, I may have more solitude than I want.